Why Do I Feel Left Out in Groups but Thrive One-to-One?

Understanding Liminal Adulthood and Belonging

Some people connect with ease when the conversation is real.

They are articulate. Perceptive. Often professionally capable. They build meaningful one-to-one relationships with relative ease.

And yet in groups, something shifts.

The dynamic changes.

Clusters form.

You find yourself slightly outside.

Not dramatically rejected.

Not obviously disliked.

But not fully absorbed either.

If this is you, it can be confusing. You know you are relationally capable. So why does the group feel harder than the dyad?

The answer is rarely a flaw in your personality.

More often, it reflects something structural.

It reflects a threshold life.

When belonging registers in the body

Belonging is not sentimental. It is regulatory.

Psychological research on the need to belong, most notably by Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary, argues that human beings are fundamentally motivated to form and maintain stable, positive relationships. When belonging is threatened, psychological equilibrium is disrupted.

Neuroscientific research strengthens this further. Studies led by Naomi Eisenberger have shown that social exclusion activates neural pathways associated with physical pain processing. Social rejection is not simply interpreted cognitively. It is experienced physically.

That is why group drift can feel like:

A drop in the stomach.

Heat rising in the face.

A tightening in the chest.

A sudden urge to retreat.

If you have felt that internal collapse when a circle subtly closes, your system is not overreacting. It is responding to a perceived threat to connection.

One-to-one and group systems operate differently

A dyadic relationship offers containment.

Attention is reciprocal. Emotional nuance has space. There is less competition for social position.

Groups operate through identity and cohesion. Social identity theory, developed by Henri Tajfel and John Turner, proposes that part of our self-concept derives from the groups to which we belong. Cohesion depends on recognisable similarity.

In informal adult groups, belonging often forms through shared shorthand, familiarity over time, and subtle conformity.

If you are reflective, independent, or less inclined to perform light social bonding rituals, you may not be absorbed as quickly.

This does not mean you lack warmth.

It may mean you do not merge automatically.

Living between worlds

There is a word for the experience of being slightly between identities.

Liminal.

The term originates in anthropology. Arnold van Gennep described liminality as the threshold phase in rites of passage, a period between social positions. Victor Turner later expanded this, describing liminality as existing in a state that is neither one thing nor another.

In contemporary life, liminality often appears quietly.

People who have moved between social classes.

People who have crossed cultures or softened parts of themselves to fit.

People who have transitioned careers or outgrown earlier identities.

People who no longer feel fully anchored in the tribe they once belonged to.

A liminal adult is someone who has crossed worlds and cannot return unchanged. They have adapted, observed, and learned the codes of more than one room. They connect deeply, yet they no longer merge automatically. They are not unchosen. They are often unclassifiable.

Liminal adults tend to develop strong internal anchors and high social awareness. They can see systems from both inside and outside.

But in groups, their in-between position can become visible.

Not fully this.

Not fully that.

Groups stabilise around shared identity markers. When someone carries multiple social codes, they can sit at the boundary of cohesion rather than at its centre.

That boundary position can feel lonely, even when it is not hostile.

This is threshold living.

Differentiation and integrity

Family systems theory, particularly Murray Bowen’s concept of differentiation, describes the capacity to maintain a clear sense of self while remaining emotionally connected to others.

Highly differentiated adults do not dissolve themselves into group consensus. They do not perform sameness purely to secure approval.

This is maturity.

Yet in informal group settings where cohesion relies on subtle conformity, differentiation can be misread as distance.

You may notice that strong individuals gravitate toward you one-to-one. Yet in the cluster, you feel peripheral.

Not because you lack connection.

Because you do not merge for safety.

The quiet wound of exclusion

Research on ostracism, including work by Kipling Williams, demonstrates that exclusion threatens four core psychological needs: belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence.

The pain is rarely about popularity.

It is about dignity.

It is the shock of being positioned outside when you know you have something to offer.

After such moments, the mind often oscillates between shame and anger.

Something is wrong with me.

They are small.

Both reactions attempt to restore equilibrium.

If you have experienced earlier group rejection, scapegoating, or lack of protection, your nervous system may become sensitised. Research on rejection sensitivity, associated with Geraldine Downey’s work, suggests that previous relational injuries can heighten expectation of exclusion in ambiguous situations.

The present group does not need to be overtly hostile to activate older memory.

The body remembers.

Solitude, loneliness, and the fear of becoming isolated

Many liminal adults genuinely enjoy solitude. They think deeply. They prefer meaningful conversation over constant noise.

Research linking loneliness to health risk, including meta-analytic work by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, refers to chronic social isolation and lack of meaningful connection, not chosen quiet.

The clinically relevant question is not how many groups you belong to.

It is whether you feel known.

Liminal adults often form profound bonds in small numbers, even if they do not merge easily into wider circles.

A different way of understanding this

If you thrive one-to-one but struggle in groups, the question may not be:

What is wrong with me?

It may be:

Where does my kind of belonging occur?

Some people experience ambient belonging. It forms naturally in clusters.

Others experience chosen belonging. It forms slowly, intentionally, often in depth rather than diffusion.

There is no hierarchy between the two.

There is only fit.

You do not have to fragment yourself to secure inclusion.

You may simply be living at a threshold that requires a different kind of belonging.

Working with liminal adulthood

In therapy, this experience can be explored with care and clinical clarity.

Not to increase social compliance.

But to understand the nervous system’s response to subtle exclusion.

To metabolise earlier group injury.

To restore dignity where shame lingers.

To clarify what forms of connection genuinely suit the adult you have become.

If you recognise yourself here, you are not uniquely flawed.

You may be living liminally.

And liminal lives are often thoughtful, perceptive, and quietly strong.

If this speaks to you, therapy at The Farley can offer a steady space to understand your threshold life without asking you to fragment yourself to fit.

---

References

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin.

Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science.

Williams, K. D. (2007). Ostracism. Annual Review of Psychology.

Downey, G., & Feldman, S. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. C. (1979). An integrative theory of intergroup conflict.

van Gennep, A. (1909). The Rites of Passage.

Turner, V. (1969). The Ritual Process.

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk. PLOS Medicine.