Burnout Support UK - When Connection Feels Too Costly. Please See Me. Just Don’t Make Me Perform For It.

“People will travel a long way to hear the best-sounding lies.

To hear the truth, you just have to stand still.

But not many people want to do that.”

from The Weatherman and the Shadowboxer

Some of us grew up learning that the only way to be seen was to do something. Achieve, adapt, explain, take care of others, be impressive or agreeable or “not too much.” We became fluent in performance. And we got rewarded for it.

It makes sense then, that even as adults - even in therapy - something in us still whispers:

"You can be seen... but only if you get it right."

That’s not resistance. That’s protection.

When closeness has never felt simple

Maybe you’ve spent most of your life managing other people’s responses. You got good at making yourself easy to be around, even when something inside was aching. Maybe you had to take care of emotionally immature parents. Maybe you learned to hide your needs because they were too often met with silence, tension, or blame.

This kind of early vigilance makes it hard to just be with someone. Because closeness doesn’t feel simple. It feels like pressure. Like scanning for how you’re being perceived. Like knowing that someone wants to connect with you - and feeling the weight of that.

Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centred therapy, described what many people need as “unconditional positive regard” - a relationship where you don’t have to adjust or earn your place. But when we’ve been conditioned to perform for connection, that kind of presence can feel unfamiliar, even unsafe.

If this resonates but you're still not sure whether what you’re experiencing is burnout, you’re not alone. High-functioning burnout often hides in plain sight - especially in people who seem capable on the outside. I write more about how it feels in this companion post:

What High-Functioning Burnout Feels Like (And Why It’s So Often Missed).

“I want connection, but only if I don’t have to manage it”

There’s often a push-pull:

I want to be seen. But I don’t want to perform for it.

I want to be known. But not if I have to hold the emotional weight of someone else knowing me.

This isn’t avoidance. It’s strategy. Learned over time, often for good reason. For people who grew up being put in roles - the capable one, the peacemaker, the clever one, the easy one - vulnerability becomes complicated. Especially when visibility has so often come with a cost.

You may feel emotionally exhausted even after light social contact. You may long to be understood but dread being misunderstood. You may want someone to hold space - but recoil when someone tries.

Why your body gets there before you do

The body often knows long before the mind catches up. That slight tension in your shoulders during a quiet pause. The overthinking that rushes in after you share something honest. The part of you that scans for “Have I said too much?”

Dr Gabor Maté describes this as the split between authenticity and attachment. When we’ve had to suppress our truth to preserve belonging, we learn to edit ourselves reflexively - not out of weakness, but out of survival.

In therapy, this can look like showing up... and then second-guessing everything. Wanting to be seen, but bracing for misattunement. Wanting to go deeper, but feeling your whole nervous system say, “Not yet.”

This isn’t sabotage. This is your body protecting something precious.

If therapy has ever felt like another place you had to manage yourself

It makes sense if you’ve been cautious. If you’ve had to work hard to feel safe in relationship, even therapy can feel like something to perform in.

If that’s been your experience: being expected to “open up,” “process,” or “make progress” on someone else’s timeline - I’m sorry. That’s a wound in itself.

At The Farley, I offer private therapy in Southampton and online across the UK - a person-centred, relational space where there’s no expectation to be articulate, wise, open, or even certain about why you’re here. If you’re holding it all together while feeling increasingly disconnected, therapy might not feel like an obvious choice. Especially if you’ve built your identity on being the capable one. But high-functioning burnout support can look very different from what you imagine therapy to be.

You don’t need the right words. You don’t need your “best self.” You just need somewhere safe to start, especially if it’s felt hard to trust that space even exists.

Relational wounds need relational healing

If you’ve been holding back from connection because you’re exhausted by performance, you’re not alone. Therapy isn’t a place where you have to prove anything.

It’s where the part of you that’s been watching, managing, and holding everything together gets to rest.

If you’re looking for counselling in Southampton or private therapy online UK, The Farley offers a consistent, grounded space to be met - not managed. You’re welcome to get in touch.

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References & Further Reading

Carl Rogers

Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. London: Constable.

Gabor Maté

Maté, G. (2019). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture. London: Vermilion.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Hendel, H. J. (2018). It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self. New York: Random House.

Stephen Porges

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. New York: W. W. Norton.

Louis Cozolino

Cozolino, L. (2014). The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain (2nd ed.). New York: W. W. Norton.

Gareth Hemingway

Hemingway, G. (2015). The Weatherman and the Shadowboxer. London: Hot Key Books.